Friday, September 28, 2012

T: (biting into the largest, SOUREST green apple you can imagine at the office the other day): Oh, uh, man!  That is the sourest apple I've ever tasted!

P: (co-worker): Little tart?

L: (from his office): WHAT DID YOU CALL HER??!!

You never miss the work, you miss the people.


Friday, September 14, 2012

Mission Possible!

I get bored, and when I get bored I try to find things to do.

Actually, that isn’t true – I don’t get bored, I’m not even sure I really know what that means. Sometimes I get scared that I’ll get bored so I take precautions. Usually too many. Thus ensuring that I never get bored…or sleep.

Hmmm, it kind of makes me wonder what happened to me. You know, like someone is afraid to swim because they remember their dad throwing them in the lake when they were little and they almost drown. Something like that must have happened to me to create this intense fear of boredom. …I also have an unreasonable fear of spiders. I wonder if they have something to do with each other. Like maybe I got bored once and ate a spider.

Anyhow. That is neither here nor there. What is here and now is that I have found the perfect winter activity!!

I am going on a quest! A quest to find the best burger in town! Me and my x-work-hubby are going to determine where to find the best burger in (or around) Calgary. We will be judging in categories like Pristine Presentation; Best Buns; Juiciest Meat; etc. to find the most delicious combination of burger, bun, toppings. I can’t wait!! I do, after all, love a good burger….especially with a nice glass of wine! And even better when watching big fluffy snowflakes falling!

…although I have to admit, since we talked about eating spiders I’ve kind of lost my excitement for this whole thing.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Plan for the Future

This morning I decided to join a senior's bridge club.

Not because I like bridge - in fact, I've never played - but because I realized that one day I'll be a senior.  Sure, maybe not for fifty more years, but the way I see it, if I start now, by then I'll be unstoppable!!  I'll have such a huge edge on all the other seniors by then that I'm sure to take home the pot week after week.

So there it is - my retirement plan...spelt B-R-I-D-G-E-M-O-N-E-Y!!  So tomorrow, I'm cashing in my RRSPs.

RRSPs - HA!  You think that's a good retirement strategy??  No way man.  Take the there's a nest egg!

Step 1: spend your money NOW.
Step 2: win it back later!

When I reach my golden years, watch out grannies!  I'll be spending your grandchildren's inheritance when I clean up at the card tables over tea and crumpets!


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Not-So-Sweet Revenge

It was Thursday.  I got up, went to work, worked, had a pita and veggies with my homemade hummus for lunch, worked more, then looked at the clock - oopp!  2:45, time to go!  Dentist appointment at 3pm.  Just the usual cleaning bit you know.

Still, I don’t like dentists.  Not only do I think there is fundamentally something wrong with people who want to stare at the insides of other people’s mouths all day (one summer I round of Upside Down Margaritas I had to pour into open mouths was plenty enough for me for a lifetime....ugh...), but I’ve also had bad experiences in the dentist’s chair - complete with shards of my own jaw bone making their way out into the world.  So, ya, I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to dentists.  

Anyway...back to Thursday...when I settled into the chair, I profusely apologized to the nice hygienist lady, “Oh sorry, I completely forgot that I had a dentist appointment today and had hummus for lunch.  Sorry, um, about the garlic.”

She gave me the old, “Oh it’s ok!”

But the truth is...I knew.  I knew when I didn’t chew that stick of gum on my way over; I knew when I was enjoying my lunch; I even knew Tuesday night when I made my hummus and threw in a few extra cloves of garlic...