T: (biting into the largest, SOUREST green apple you can imagine at the office the other day): Oh, uh, man!  That is the sourest apple I've ever tasted!

P: (co-worker): Little tart?

L: (from his office): WHAT DID YOU CALL HER??!!





You never miss the work, you miss the people.

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Mission Possible!

I get bored, and when I get bored I try to find things to do.

Actually, that isn’t true – I don’t get bored, I’m not even sure I really know what that means. Sometimes I get scared that I’ll get bored so I take precautions. Usually too many. Thus ensuring that I never get bored…or sleep.

Hmmm, it kind of makes me wonder what happened to me. You know, like someone is afraid to swim because they remember their dad throwing them in the lake when they were little and they almost drown. Something like that must have happened to me to create this intense fear of boredom. …I also have an unreasonable fear of spiders. I wonder if they have something to do with each other. Like maybe I got bored once and ate a spider.

Anyhow. That is neither here nor there. What is here and now is that I have found the perfect winter activity!!

I am going on a quest! A quest to find the best burger in town! Me and my x-work-hubby are going to determine where to find the best burger in (or around) Calgary. We will be judging in categories like Pristine Presentation; Best Buns; Juiciest Meat; etc. to find the most delicious combination of burger, bun, toppings. I can’t wait!! I do, after all, love a good burger….especially with a nice glass of wine! And even better when watching big fluffy snowflakes falling!



…although I have to admit, since we talked about eating spiders I’ve kind of lost my excitement for this whole thing.



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Plan for the Future

This morning I decided to join a senior's bridge club.

Not because I like bridge - in fact, I've never played - but because I realized that one day I'll be a senior.  Sure, maybe not for fifty more years, but the way I see it, if I start now, by then I'll be unstoppable!!  I'll have such a huge edge on all the other seniors by then that I'm sure to take home the pot week after week.

So there it is - my retirement plan...spelt B-R-I-D-G-E-M-O-N-E-Y!!  So tomorrow, I'm cashing in my RRSPs.

RRSPs - HA!  You think that's a good retirement strategy??  No way man.  Take the Two-Step-Tanya-Plan...now there's a nest egg!

Step 1: spend your money NOW.
Step 2: win it back later!

When I reach my golden years, watch out grannies!  I'll be spending your grandchildren's inheritance when I clean up at the card tables over tea and crumpets!


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Not-So-Sweet Revenge

It was Thursday.  I got up, went to work, worked, had a pita and veggies with my homemade hummus for lunch, worked more, then looked at the clock - oopp!  2:45, time to go!  Dentist appointment at 3pm.  Just the usual cleaning bit you know.

Still, I don’t like dentists.  Not only do I think there is fundamentally something wrong with people who want to stare at the insides of other people’s mouths all day (one summer I bar-tended...one round of Upside Down Margaritas I had to pour into open mouths was plenty enough for me for a lifetime....ugh...), but I’ve also had bad experiences in the dentist’s chair - complete with shards of my own jaw bone making their way out into the world.  So, ya, I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to dentists.  

Anyway...back to Thursday...when I settled into the chair, I profusely apologized to the nice hygienist lady, “Oh sorry, I completely forgot that I had a dentist appointment today and had hummus for lunch.  Sorry, um, about the garlic.”

She gave me the old, “Oh it’s ok!”

But the truth is...I knew.  I knew when I didn’t chew that stick of gum on my way over; I knew when I was enjoying my lunch; I even knew Tuesday night when I made my hummus and threw in a few extra cloves of garlic...

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Big Bag Bust

I ran out of sandwich bags.  So, when I went to the store for milk, I stopped in the bag aisle.  I found the sandwich bags and picked up the box of 50 bags.  But then I saw that the box of 75 bags was half the price.  Who's the idiot who would buy 50 bags for twice the price of 75 bags I thought!??  Not me!  So I put back the box of 50, grabbed the 75, paid half the price and went home with a big smirk on my face!

Next morning I made myself a nice sandwich - turkey on squirrel bread with sprouts and cucumber slices.  I opened my new box of bags and went to insert my sandwich to find that it only fit half way.  WHAT?!  What the heck is this?

I pulled out my sandwich and examined the bag - it was sandwich size across, but only half the depth of a sandwich.  I've been ripped off!

I grabbed the box and took a closer look.  "75 bags 16.5 cm x 8.2cm".  WHAT THE F???  A slice of bread is approximately 16.5 x 14.9 centimetres.  Duh.  Okay.  Who's the idiot now??

YES.  That's right - it's the guy who made a Half-A-Sandwich bag.  What good is a half a sandwich bag??  And to top it off - if you are going to make a half a sandwich bag at least put an even number of bags in the friggin box.  So now, because of some guy who's obviously never even had a sandwich, I have to make 38 sandwiches, bag 37.5 sandwiches for lunches and let the second half of sandwich #38 go stale on the counter.

All because some guy who failed 'How to use a ruler 101' goes into bag making.  What's next - Half-A-Pair-Of-Shoes boxes???



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Trilogy

I work in IT.    I'm pretty nerdy so I fit in....most of the time....

Co-worker 1: Did you hear they are making the Hobit into three movies?

Co-worker 2: Ya, that sucks.  Like that isn't a money grab.

Co-worker 3: Where are they going to get all the extra content from?  Even with the appendices they can't stretch it into three movies.

Co-worker 4: I can't believe it either, but you know I did find some clips online and it looks like they are going to do some pretty cool stuff.

Tanya: I wish they'd make Magic Mike into three movies.


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We've All Got Problems

Tanya:  I want a beer.

Ashley:  You have a problem.

Tanya:  Yes.  I do not have a beer.  That is a problem.

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