An Actual Conversation On the Phone

"Why do you do that? You're weird."

"I am not weird. I'm 'quirky' and it's adorable damn it."



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Just My Humble Opinion...

I was recently set up on a blind date.

I think having a blind date is a true test of character. Say you are with a blind date at a fancy steak house and you both order the filet. The dinners come and one looks slightly larger - would you trade the plates? How would him/her ever know - he/she's blind for gosh-sakes!!

Would you pick your nose in the car on the way home? Take a bigger bite of cheesecake? Spend hours on making sure your hair was perfect? Slouch or bother standing up straight?

I don't know, but I think if you are cool with dogs a blind date might be the way to go. Think about it - you could show up in track pants, sneak sips of his pint all night long, eat extra chicken wings then say you got ripped off cause 'there were only eight on the plate when it arrived!', you wouldn't have to bother curling your eyelashes or matching your socks...





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It's tAnya, not tOnya!

Yes, my name is Tanya, with an "A" not an "O". Yet I get called Tonya a lot. I have nothing against the name, in fact, I've known a couple great Tonya's in my life. It's just not MY name. So I really don't like being called it.

We had a new receptionist start here a few days ago. She'd been here maybe 3 days when I strolled in one morning, coat on, coffee in hand and cheerily sang out, "Good morning Barb!" as I walked by the reception desk.

She looked up, gave me a funny look and hesitantly said, "Good morning."

When I reached my desk I was feeling pretty bad. I mean, it was pretty presumptuous of me to call her Barb, when clearly I remembered from the email that went out her name ended with an A. Damn it, I should have said Barbara. Not everyone likes their names shortened. I mean, I really don't like being called Tonya and what is the difference between calling a Tanya a Tonya or a Barbara a Barb - it isn't her name. I guess if she wanted to be called Barb, the email would have read, please welcome Barb. Not Barbara.

Well, what is done is done. I will just fix it, that's all. Apologize for taking the liberty of shortening her name, which she obviously didn't like, and then never do it again.


So on my next trip by her desk, I said, "Oh hey, sorry, about earlier, do you prefer Barb or Barbara?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "Do you prefer Barbara, I called you Barb earlier, but do you prefer Barbara?"

She said, "Actually I prefer Debra."



OMG.

I said, "My name is Tanya, but you can call me Tonya."




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Motherly Advice

If one said I was somewhat of a social creature, that one would be correct. But it’s not my fault! If God wouldn’t have put so damn many people on earth, I’d have some free time….

I think my firefighting friend is perturbed that in two weeks, all I could offer was a lunch. Perturbed. Ha! I’m not sure if we are even friends anymore, which I’m not to broken up about I guess. But watch today be the day my apartment starts on fire!

Oh well. I guess if it went up in flames it would be fine cause I really just go there to sleep and it seems I haven’t done that in awhile.

Lately sleep hasn’t really found a spot between work and class and sports and friends and beer clubs and camera club and I’m tired!

First I thought, “I need a wife.”

Cause if I had a wife the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking would at least be done.

But when I said that on the weekend, my brother’s wife said, “Your brother has a wife and it hasn’t helped him any.”

Huh. Excellent point.


So I asked my mother what I should do. Mom’s are supposed to know EVERYTHING after all.

Mom said, “You need to schedule some time by yourself. Tell everyone you are busy, go home after work, read a book, drink some wine, have a bubble bath. “



Yes, yes people. My mother told me that to improve the quality of my life, I should sit at home, alone, and drink.







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Burning Babies

On the weekend I was having a pint in the company of a firefighter. I asked him if he'd ever saved a burning baby. He said that he generally tried to save babies before they were burning...something about it being an unsuccessful 'save' if the baby was burning.

I told him I used to play a computer game where you had to move firemen around to save babies from a burning building. It think it was called Bouncing Babies.

Anyhow, he had apparently never specifically saved a baby.

So I guess I won, cause on a good day, I could save like a hundred babies.


But he had saved lives with CPR and pulled a couple cats out of trees. Yes, the cat thing, it really happens.


I know. I was surprised too.


But not as surprised as when he continued on with, "Oh and once I saved a bird from a tree!"





A bird?



A BIRD?

Saved? From a TREE?


So I said, "You do know birds live in trees, right?"

...then I said, "Have you ever saved any fish from the river? Maybe you've saved a deer from the woods? A goat from his mountain?"

...then I said, "Once I saved a gopher from the ground...with a gun!"

Then I was quiet for a split second, just to take a breath and he said, "Haha. No it was a parrot that escaped from his owner and flew into a tree. We set up the rescue ladders then when we climbed up to grab him, he got scared and flew to another branch, so we climbed down, moved the ladders, climbed up, went to grab him again, he flew to another branch.... This happened 4 or 5 times, then the parrot flew down and landed on the owners arm and we left."



I don't know, but I think he should have just let me keep talking.




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Who Moved My Cheese, Part Five

There is now a box in our work fridge with one hundred and forty-four individually wrapped cheeses!!! Each day, one appears on my desk from the cheese fairy...

And you know, I had almost forgotten about the whole ordeal, had almost let it go...was on the verge of being able to pass people in the hall and greet them with a simple, "Hello" instead of my customary, "Morning! Why'd you eat my cheese?!"

But now, with the cheese box's appearance, I find myself spending my time trying to get to the bottom of every smile I see in the office. No one can even get lucky anymore without me wondering if their spouse is walking around somewhere mirroring their big grin or if the reason for their happiness is the new-found endless supply of cheese to steal....


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...to clarify....

For the non- Canadians...a touque is a wool hat designed to keep one's head warm and ears from freezing off in a blizzard.


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